Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize