just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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