Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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