my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My day in three words: secret purse cake
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
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