I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
