walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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