we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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