My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
