Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
