I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
