new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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