found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
