I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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