Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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