just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
