That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
