And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
