i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
