I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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