Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
