Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
