I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
