dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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