he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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