I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
