I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
