i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
