she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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