YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
