omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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