I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
