The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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