I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
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Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
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I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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