I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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