It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
