After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she told me i tasted like america
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
