talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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