For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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