I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
