Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
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Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
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I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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