That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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