Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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