threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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