I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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