when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
