Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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