i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
