Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
