I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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