So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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