How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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