she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
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Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
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Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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