There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
