sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
